Home Alone: Deux

Home Alone is one of the best movie franchises made. I would say it is the best, but I have seen both Step It Up and Step It Up 2 - I think those movies and their brilliance speak for themselves. Dare I call them films?

Home Alone is great because it fulfills everyone's childhood family - being abandoned, getting to eat marshmallows with chocolate syrup on the couch, outwitting criminals, hanging out with people experiencing homeless new (part deux)... etc. The list could literally go on and on. Really and truly the best part of H.A. is the tricks and boy are they tricky (!!!)

In H.A. 2, Kevin (the caulkin kid) sets up a series of zany traps to get the bad guys (names unknown). He sets the traps up at his uncle's house - but really that part is confusing to me. It is essentially a construction site which he has access to. The criminals should hae been dead ten fold.

Curly Haired Bad Guy and Short Bad Guy see Kevin on the roof of the construction site. Kevin taunts them. They threaten to murder him. He throws a brick no less than 4 stories and it hits CHBG square in the face, knocking him to the ground. SBG is unfazed and searches for a way inside. He finds a door, this door is locked - when he opens the door, a ski bag filled with wrenches and pliers and other tools fall directly on his head. Meanwhile, CHBG recovers and gets into the house and falls directly into a hole, leading to the basement. SBG gets up and turns on a light which ignites his cap on fire. He notices he is on fire, tries to put himself out in the sink but the water is off and so he dunks his head in the toilet which was cleverly filled with kerosene. An explosion happens.

CHBG is in the basement lamenting in pain and he gets up, slips on goop and slides into a paint shelf. The shelf falls, dropping nearly hundred of paintcans on him and covering him with paint. Luckily, that doesn't hurt enough so he gets up, again unfazed and goes to wash his face off with some water from the sink. As we learned from SBG, the water has been turned off and Kevin attaches jumper cables to the sink's faucets. This causes CHBG to be electrocuted to the point that the audience actually sees his skeleton.

Although this is severe, he has not been killed yet. Then, he is able to get out of the basement and meets up with SBG and they are hit with a 20-50 lb barbell. This flings them back into the basement - thwarted again. Finally, after some more hijinks, they make it to the roof, where they see that Kevin has scaled down a rope onto the construction site below. Instead of going back out of the house -which feasibly could have been rigged with dy-no-mite, they decide to go down the rope as well. Kevin has cleverly soaked the rope in kerosene (where does he have access to these hazardous materials?) and lights it on fire. SBG and CHBG fall 4-5 stories to what you think is their demise.

No no, not that - at all. Kevin runs away, makes an anonymous phone call to the police, falls on some ice and in that time, the bad guys catch up with him.

Through another series of hilarious events, the bad guys get covered in birdsead, attacked by pigeons, attacked with fireworks and are arrest.

Problem solved and cinematic genius.

Jersey Shore: The train wreck continues

The next episode of the Jersey Shore has some high points. These jokes just write themselves.

Sammi is no longer with The Situation (Mike), but is now macking with Ronnie. Ronnie is still on the roids, but in this episode we discover he has a sensitive side. Oooh, he likes to cuddle. Jwwwwwoowowww's boyfriend is coming to visit. Remember Jwwwoowww cheated on her bf by seeing Pauly D's pierced penis. The boyfriend brought flowers and also looks like a d-bag. Can't judge a book by its cover though. I bet he's a real winner. By the end of the visit, they donezors though. Off again like Ronnie's tee.

Angelina's boyfriend is also coming to visit. There is a small problem though, her boyfriend is married. In Angelina's words "He doesn't even like hang out with his wife anymore". Well, then, that means he's not married, I hear that it is time clocked together that really determines a marriage.

Here is just an interaction between Snooki (or Snickers, Snooti, Snotty) and Pierced Penis *dramatic reinactment*
Snooki opens jar of pickles in the kitchen (Vlasic, probs)
Pauly D stares crazy like
Pauly D: What are you doing?
Snooki: Isn't there a food you like eat everyday?
PD: Yeah.
S: What?
PD: I don't know.
Snooki sucks on the pickle. Apparently she likes to get the "juice" out first. Her cap says "Pornstar in Training".
S: Stop staring at me, you pervert. Suck suck suck munch munch munch

Is this a scripted show? Because whoever wrote it is a genius.

Jersey Shore Episode 1 and 2

MTV is really on to something with their new programming. The Jersey Shore is, dare I say, the best new show on TV. The JS follows 20 somethings (some older than others) during their summer on the Jersey Shore, which is a place I never want to go.

The Jersey Shore has people who are from New Jersey and people who act like they are from New Jersey. These 8 strangers were picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. The only difference between JS and the Real World is the quality of the experience.... quality might not be the correct word. The JS is to the Real World like lunchables pizza is to real pizza. The ingrediants are all the same and they aren't exactly the same thing, but have their own individual merit.

There are too many good moments from these first two episodes to go over all of it. So, here are the highlights. Snooki (aka Snickers) gets drunk, touches all the guy's penises, gets in her thong in the jacuzzi, passes out, wants to go home, is late for work... etc. The best part is the phone. Snooki wakes up after drinking and the phone is ringing. They have a duck phone so it makes a quacking noise. She doesn't understand how the phone works. Jwwooowww's boyfriend calls and asks for her. She says "Hang on". He says "Don't hang up on me again, okay?" And she does. Priceless.

Vinny gets pink eye. Ronnie is on roids. Mike is "the situation" - that is his nickname. He is ugly, but also on roids. Sammi doesn't like puke breath. Neither do I. Angelina is the Kim Kardashian of the Jersey Shore. There are limited hotties on the Jersey Shore. And, Jwoowwwwwooww (real name: Jennifer) has the best highlights and saw Pauly D's pierced PENIS!!! She thinks that means she cheated on her bf - must be a great piercing.

Tune in next week, seriously.