Jersey Shore Episode 1 and 2

MTV is really on to something with their new programming. The Jersey Shore is, dare I say, the best new show on TV. The JS follows 20 somethings (some older than others) during their summer on the Jersey Shore, which is a place I never want to go.

The Jersey Shore has people who are from New Jersey and people who act like they are from New Jersey. These 8 strangers were picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. The only difference between JS and the Real World is the quality of the experience.... quality might not be the correct word. The JS is to the Real World like lunchables pizza is to real pizza. The ingrediants are all the same and they aren't exactly the same thing, but have their own individual merit.

There are too many good moments from these first two episodes to go over all of it. So, here are the highlights. Snooki (aka Snickers) gets drunk, touches all the guy's penises, gets in her thong in the jacuzzi, passes out, wants to go home, is late for work... etc. The best part is the phone. Snooki wakes up after drinking and the phone is ringing. They have a duck phone so it makes a quacking noise. She doesn't understand how the phone works. Jwwooowww's boyfriend calls and asks for her. She says "Hang on". He says "Don't hang up on me again, okay?" And she does. Priceless.

Vinny gets pink eye. Ronnie is on roids. Mike is "the situation" - that is his nickname. He is ugly, but also on roids. Sammi doesn't like puke breath. Neither do I. Angelina is the Kim Kardashian of the Jersey Shore. There are limited hotties on the Jersey Shore. And, Jwoowwwwwooww (real name: Jennifer) has the best highlights and saw Pauly D's pierced PENIS!!! She thinks that means she cheated on her bf - must be a great piercing.

Tune in next week, seriously.

FTLORJ - Episode DANCE

This episode of For the Love of Ray J is about a dance competition. Ray J, I think that seeking out women who are good dancers might be the wrong way to narrow the competition, just a thought, boo. The women are divided into teams and I am not sure who is on what team because the women are still in negligable and in hard to remember numbers.

Team 1: Hot Damn Crew. Extra is on this team she prayed beforehand so I am pretty sure with the luck of Speidi and Jesus, they are in like flin. This team is made up of strippers so they are all good dancers but maybe less than "refined", perhaps?

Team 2: Sting Rays - awful name, awful dancing, pathetically slow and uncoordinated. The crowd actually booed them.

Team 3: Talk of the Town - good and slightly risque for an MTV family show. Dare I say FTLORJ is a family show?

Talk of the Town wins and Luscious is on that team. Luscious, as discovered in this episode, smashed a homie. WTF is smashed a homie? First, "smashed" as a word for all hooking up activities? Not appropriate or factually accurate. Second, where do you find these homies? The man Luscious smashed is a DJ. Good taste, sweetie. Ray says to her: 'Do you know, J Sinatra? Like know?' Do you mean biblically, Ray?

Luscious (left) and J Sinatra (right) smashing each other

I appreciate that Ray doesn't want to be Eskimo brothers with J Sinatra, but thinking of people he smashed (am I using that correctly?) I think Luscious has much more to worry about.

Examples of people Ray has "smashed":

Good -

Less than great? + a dash of crazy (Danger from last season) -

"I want to dance with somebody" herself - and maybe was doing some crack? -

The Ruins - Episode #?

Very little happens on the most recent episode of The Ruins. The highlight is that Brad and Darrell both get sent home. Here is a dramatic reinactment of their fight:

Brad (very drunk and stumbling): What, what, let's fight!
Darrell (not at all drunk or stumbling and in fact, sitting): No, sir. I would not like to fight you.
Brad (drunker?): You're a bitch! + a push (gasp!)
Darrell: I'm not a bitch + punch + punch + punch

How this escalated so quickly, I don't know. Kiss your 30K goodbye, Darrell.

It is a to be continued episode which is my least favorite, but we do know that Casey is still there next week and that means the Challengers are going to lose.

For the Love of Ray J 2

"This is so pretty, the glasses, the salads, the candles"

FTLORJ is back. Unfortunately, Ray did not find love with Cocktail. So VH1 has kindly offered him another chance to find love. Full Disclosure: I wish I had tried out for this show.

The show opens with a ride to the house and Alison paints a target on her chest immediately by saying she dated Tyson Beckford. Girl, haven't you seen these shows? You know what happened to the Russian girl last season.

Once at the house, the girls get beds, get drunk, and talk shit. Ray arrived at the house with some champagne and Leila is officially stupid, "I see Ray and uh huh oh yayaya" Alison expected him to be taller.

Next up: Nicknames!
Luscious (maybe, appropriate? but celibate)
Gifts (large boobs or STDs?)
Exotica (from Cape Verde and a stripper)
Platinum (because she is white)
Diego (because she is a mexican man)
Popper (booorrrrinnnngg)
Just right (money to get to the finals)
Heartbreaker (her vagina is a vice)
Extra (extraghetto, extra horrible)
Flossy (?)
Lava (pompeii, anyone?)
Caliente (this girl does not understand english)
Trouble (humps the table?)
Paradeez (boobs again)
Tipsy (drunk bitch; "great, he thinks I am drunk, well I am")
Adorable (money to win)
Jaguar (no words)
Mz Berry (she does look like her but is wearing a flight suit)
Fetticcini (serious death sentence when he names you after a filling and mostly tasteless starch)

Ray had some time with Caliente, a hot woman who is ESL and works for Playboy (probably in the accounting department, right?) and with the border patrol? Does she find that slightly demanding doing both?

Just Right might also be a stripper, but that is really par for the course with these shows. And I don't have any problem with strippers. Diego is booorrrring and a mexican man and wants to know the top 5 R&B artists? Do people actually think about that? The artists are make or break for her? Do people like that actually exist? Funniest part, is that he is completely condescending to her. NICE.

End of the show: Fetticcini goes home. Duh. Next week, more stuff.

Ruination - The Ruins

"I feel 10 feet tall and bullet proof"
"I have way too forgiving of a heart and will take any of you back if you ask"

This week on The Ruins:

Recap: The Champions are great. The Challengers are less than great. Susie is still terrible, but not as terrible as Johnny Bananas.

The best part comes when it is supposed to be masterminded that Veronica (Semester at Sea) should go in the Ruins against KellyAnne (from some other season). But, they don't vote quick enough and haven't told enough of the teammates their plan, so the rest of the team didn't get the memo and vote in Ibis (Road Rules X-Treme - was that really on?) and Kimberly (the biggest bitch on the show).

I am thrilled with the prospect of Kimberly going home but more thrilled that Veronica gets to stick around. According to Evan, she has big tits and a big butt, which is apparently pleasing to his Canadian self. Who knew Evan was Canadian, was that obvious?

The End: The ruins is called the Spool, which is unraveling rope? Are any of these people seamstresses because this reminds me of Sewing Class in middle school.
Wes v. Cohutta: Seems like Wes is losing at the beginning, but then Kenny says the fateful phrase "It looks like Wes is losing". It always seems like when they say that it is just for suspense. We'll have to see at the end of the commercial.

Commercial Break: FOR THE LOVE OF RAY J is back! Why did I not sign up for this show? I want to love Ray J. Sexy Can I?

The End Continued: Cohutta wins. I am stunned! For real. I wish Wes wasn't going home, because I really like when people go rogue. But, Cohutta, I feel is a lot better as a person and maybe he and Kellyanne will get back together. Up Next, Ibis v. Kimberly. Ibis totally deserved to go in based on this performance. She is wheezing and coughing, please, this is the RUINS!!! And Kim is a hoss totes.

Next Week
Veronica and Evan in bed together, Syrus hit in the gonads, Johnny is always about Johnny.

The Hills (much suckier without Lauren)

I watched the most recent episode of The Hills and I am just not impressed. I don't like Kristen enough to care about her and really, fighting over Justin Bobby - the guy with two first names? That is a new low. I always thought Audrina was dumb and so I forgave her penchant for that El Camino but Kristen seems smarter than that.

I also don't care that Holly Montag has a drinking problem. I don't care that Stephanie (who does not at all look like herself) used to have a drug problem and liked rehab. I don't care that Heidi wants a baby. The whole season is weak. Really weak. I think LC made the right decision getting out when she did.

PLUS!!! WTF is Jayde doing as a staple of these episodes? I don't care at all about that orange-faced woman and am really confused why Brody likes her. Brody and LC should have hooked up when they had the chance.

The best part of the episode was the preview for the next episode where Kristen and Audrina have a show down about Justin Bobby. Apparently JB has told K that A was never his GF. And he told A that he wasn't interested in K at all.

THIRD STRIKE, BUDDY

The Best Show on TV: Also Known As The RUINS

There is a new Real World/Road Rules challenge called the Ruins. It's subtitle should be Wes vs. Everyone and Wes loses because he's stupid.

First, I want to say I love Wes. I love love love people who go rogue. I appreciate anyone who is willing to buck the system...but, he should be a lot smarter about it.

Rule 1 when going rogue: Don't tell the people you are fucking over that you are going to fuck them over...seriously

Rule 2 WGR: Develop a plan that actually shows you are a threat to those you a fucking over. For example, do not just swing back and forth on a rope to make someone fall off and then fail at it because of not following Rule 1.

Rule 3 WGR: Do not act like you are hurt when people don't like you after you try to stab them in the back. It is totally cool to stab people in the back, especially when those people are Evan, Kenny or Johnny (Team Evelyn forever).
See: "I am a champion but I don't feel like champion", "why do you say that, it like hurts so bad!", "I want to inspire fucking kids" (yes, you read that right)

Wes is also giving his money to charity to inspire kids? And he wants to teach kids to deal with their ex-girlfriends and boyfriends? What the hell does that mean, Wes? You want to teach children to deal with their ex-boyfriends and girlfriends... is this an abstinence only thing?

Quick recap from the most recent episode:
Wes is sad
Evelyn is still gone
There is not enough Kelly Anne
Susie is 100% a sociopath (no joke)
The Challengers Win because Derrick couldn't figure out what to do with a bag... hint: he is supposed to carry it
The Challengers nominate Brianna - bad dye job, even Evan can spot it v. Susie and Adam v. Syrus
Syrus beats Adam (really no contest, have you seen Syrus?)
Susie beats Brianna proving she is a sociopath

And we wait for next week, folks!