The Real Housewives of NJ is a show without any boundaries. The Housewives of New Jersey are the kind of women I have really never met before, but have always wanted to be.
There is something that is a deep within Teresa's eyes that reminds me of a simpler time where people took down their enemies one brutal beating at a time. Teresa knows that brutality would not make her classy, so instead she fights (fights including table flipping, cussing, cursing, and chasing). The chase scene in last night's episode was everything I wanted and more. Danielle screaming and crying down the hallway, her shoes breaking, the woman who looks like a hyena calling the whole debacle "Fucking Bullshit" or "F********* B***S***" (yes, I can figure out what that means, Bravo).
First, why did the chase happen? Teresa explains that she doesn't like being "held back". Well, clearly, Teresa, that is true. As soon as Kim G told her to calm down, Teresa reacted like a cat being given cat nip for the first time. She exploded, chasing her cat toy down the hall. Danielle was behaving a little strangely for a person who had a bodyguard with her. Danielle, you brought the body guard with to protect you. Why are you running, when you could... you know... let him do his job?
Finally, there is Ashley. Ashley reminds me why psychologists say that young adults' brains haven't developed yet. If a zombie found Ashley, it would be disappointed to find no sustenance. First, I cannot image pulling Danielle's hair. Sure, I could image pulling some people's hair, but Danielle's? No. Danielle is maybe nuts, maybe a sociopath, maybe just a horrible mother - but above all else she is willing to do whatever she can to look like a victim. It is important to reserve your hair pulls for people who will either fight back or people who have no hair (I'm looking at you, Kim from Atlanta). Pulling the hair on a grown woman who is cowering in the bushes is just sad and like I said, a waste of a hair pull. That couldn't have been fulfilling for her.
Finally, don't attack someone who would love an opportunity to put you in jail. Period.
The end of the episode was just boring and boring and boring. And proved to me again that the drama on the New Jersey Housewives might be the most compelling, but is hardly the most interesting. I would take Vickie Gunvalson over this shiz any day.
Until next time, we'll always have reruns.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Home Alone: Deux
Home Alone is one of the best movie franchises made. I would say it is the best, but I have seen both Step It Up and Step It Up 2 - I think those movies and their brilliance speak for themselves. Dare I call them films?
Home Alone is great because it fulfills everyone's childhood family - being abandoned, getting to eat marshmallows with chocolate syrup on the couch, outwitting criminals, hanging out with people experiencing homeless new (part deux)... etc. The list could literally go on and on. Really and truly the best part of H.A. is the tricks and boy are they tricky (!!!)
In H.A. 2, Kevin (the caulkin kid) sets up a series of zany traps to get the bad guys (names unknown). He sets the traps up at his uncle's house - but really that part is confusing to me. It is essentially a construction site which he has access to. The criminals should hae been dead ten fold.
Curly Haired Bad Guy and Short Bad Guy see Kevin on the roof of the construction site. Kevin taunts them. They threaten to murder him. He throws a brick no less than 4 stories and it hits CHBG square in the face, knocking him to the ground. SBG is unfazed and searches for a way inside. He finds a door, this door is locked - when he opens the door, a ski bag filled with wrenches and pliers and other tools fall directly on his head. Meanwhile, CHBG recovers and gets into the house and falls directly into a hole, leading to the basement. SBG gets up and turns on a light which ignites his cap on fire. He notices he is on fire, tries to put himself out in the sink but the water is off and so he dunks his head in the toilet which was cleverly filled with kerosene. An explosion happens.
CHBG is in the basement lamenting in pain and he gets up, slips on goop and slides into a paint shelf. The shelf falls, dropping nearly hundred of paintcans on him and covering him with paint. Luckily, that doesn't hurt enough so he gets up, again unfazed and goes to wash his face off with some water from the sink. As we learned from SBG, the water has been turned off and Kevin attaches jumper cables to the sink's faucets. This causes CHBG to be electrocuted to the point that the audience actually sees his skeleton.
Although this is severe, he has not been killed yet. Then, he is able to get out of the basement and meets up with SBG and they are hit with a 20-50 lb barbell. This flings them back into the basement - thwarted again. Finally, after some more hijinks, they make it to the roof, where they see that Kevin has scaled down a rope onto the construction site below. Instead of going back out of the house -which feasibly could have been rigged with dy-no-mite, they decide to go down the rope as well. Kevin has cleverly soaked the rope in kerosene (where does he have access to these hazardous materials?) and lights it on fire. SBG and CHBG fall 4-5 stories to what you think is their demise.
No no, not that - at all. Kevin runs away, makes an anonymous phone call to the police, falls on some ice and in that time, the bad guys catch up with him.
Through another series of hilarious events, the bad guys get covered in birdsead, attacked by pigeons, attacked with fireworks and are arrest.
Problem solved and cinematic genius.
Home Alone is great because it fulfills everyone's childhood family - being abandoned, getting to eat marshmallows with chocolate syrup on the couch, outwitting criminals, hanging out with people experiencing homeless new (part deux)... etc. The list could literally go on and on. Really and truly the best part of H.A. is the tricks and boy are they tricky (!!!)
In H.A. 2, Kevin (the caulkin kid) sets up a series of zany traps to get the bad guys (names unknown). He sets the traps up at his uncle's house - but really that part is confusing to me. It is essentially a construction site which he has access to. The criminals should hae been dead ten fold.
Curly Haired Bad Guy and Short Bad Guy see Kevin on the roof of the construction site. Kevin taunts them. They threaten to murder him. He throws a brick no less than 4 stories and it hits CHBG square in the face, knocking him to the ground. SBG is unfazed and searches for a way inside. He finds a door, this door is locked - when he opens the door, a ski bag filled with wrenches and pliers and other tools fall directly on his head. Meanwhile, CHBG recovers and gets into the house and falls directly into a hole, leading to the basement. SBG gets up and turns on a light which ignites his cap on fire. He notices he is on fire, tries to put himself out in the sink but the water is off and so he dunks his head in the toilet which was cleverly filled with kerosene. An explosion happens.
CHBG is in the basement lamenting in pain and he gets up, slips on goop and slides into a paint shelf. The shelf falls, dropping nearly hundred of paintcans on him and covering him with paint. Luckily, that doesn't hurt enough so he gets up, again unfazed and goes to wash his face off with some water from the sink. As we learned from SBG, the water has been turned off and Kevin attaches jumper cables to the sink's faucets. This causes CHBG to be electrocuted to the point that the audience actually sees his skeleton.
Although this is severe, he has not been killed yet. Then, he is able to get out of the basement and meets up with SBG and they are hit with a 20-50 lb barbell. This flings them back into the basement - thwarted again. Finally, after some more hijinks, they make it to the roof, where they see that Kevin has scaled down a rope onto the construction site below. Instead of going back out of the house -which feasibly could have been rigged with dy-no-mite, they decide to go down the rope as well. Kevin has cleverly soaked the rope in kerosene (where does he have access to these hazardous materials?) and lights it on fire. SBG and CHBG fall 4-5 stories to what you think is their demise.
No no, not that - at all. Kevin runs away, makes an anonymous phone call to the police, falls on some ice and in that time, the bad guys catch up with him.
Through another series of hilarious events, the bad guys get covered in birdsead, attacked by pigeons, attacked with fireworks and are arrest.
Problem solved and cinematic genius.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Jersey Shore: The train wreck continues
The next episode of the Jersey Shore has some high points. These jokes just write themselves.
Sammi is no longer with The Situation (Mike), but is now macking with Ronnie. Ronnie is still on the roids, but in this episode we discover he has a sensitive side. Oooh, he likes to cuddle. Jwwwwwoowowww's boyfriend is coming to visit. Remember Jwwwoowww cheated on her bf by seeing Pauly D's pierced penis. The boyfriend brought flowers and also looks like a d-bag. Can't judge a book by its cover though. I bet he's a real winner. By the end of the visit, they donezors though. Off again like Ronnie's tee.
Angelina's boyfriend is also coming to visit. There is a small problem though, her boyfriend is married. In Angelina's words "He doesn't even like hang out with his wife anymore". Well, then, that means he's not married, I hear that it is time clocked together that really determines a marriage.
Here is just an interaction between Snooki (or Snickers, Snooti, Snotty) and Pierced Penis *dramatic reinactment*
Snooki opens jar of pickles in the kitchen (Vlasic, probs)
Pauly D stares crazy like
Pauly D: What are you doing?
Snooki: Isn't there a food you like eat everyday?
PD: Yeah.
S: What?
PD: I don't know.
Snooki sucks on the pickle. Apparently she likes to get the "juice" out first. Her cap says "Pornstar in Training".
S: Stop staring at me, you pervert. Suck suck suck munch munch munch
Is this a scripted show? Because whoever wrote it is a genius.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Jersey Shore Episode 1 and 2
MTV is really on to something with their new programming. The Jersey Shore is, dare I say, the best new show on TV. The JS follows 20 somethings (some older than others) during their summer on the Jersey Shore, which is a place I never want to go.
The Jersey Shore has people who are from New Jersey and people who act like they are from New Jersey. These 8 strangers were picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. The only difference between JS and the Real World is the quality of the experience.... quality might not be the correct word. The JS is to the Real World like lunchables pizza is to real pizza. The ingrediants are all the same and they aren't exactly the same thing, but have their own individual merit.
There are too many good moments from these first two episodes to go over all of it. So, here are the highlights. Snooki (aka Snickers) gets drunk, touches all the guy's penises, gets in her thong in the jacuzzi, passes out, wants to go home, is late for work... etc. The best part is the phone. Snooki wakes up after drinking and the phone is ringing. They have a duck phone so it makes a quacking noise. She doesn't understand how the phone works. Jwwooowww's boyfriend calls and asks for her. She says "Hang on". He says "Don't hang up on me again, okay?" And she does. Priceless.
Vinny gets pink eye. Ronnie is on roids. Mike is "the situation" - that is his nickname. He is ugly, but also on roids. Sammi doesn't like puke breath. Neither do I. Angelina is the Kim Kardashian of the Jersey Shore. There are limited hotties on the Jersey Shore. And, Jwoowwwwwooww (real name: Jennifer) has the best highlights and saw Pauly D's pierced PENIS!!! She thinks that means she cheated on her bf - must be a great piercing.
Tune in next week, seriously.
The Jersey Shore has people who are from New Jersey and people who act like they are from New Jersey. These 8 strangers were picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. The only difference between JS and the Real World is the quality of the experience.... quality might not be the correct word. The JS is to the Real World like lunchables pizza is to real pizza. The ingrediants are all the same and they aren't exactly the same thing, but have their own individual merit.
There are too many good moments from these first two episodes to go over all of it. So, here are the highlights. Snooki (aka Snickers) gets drunk, touches all the guy's penises, gets in her thong in the jacuzzi, passes out, wants to go home, is late for work... etc. The best part is the phone. Snooki wakes up after drinking and the phone is ringing. They have a duck phone so it makes a quacking noise. She doesn't understand how the phone works. Jwwooowww's boyfriend calls and asks for her. She says "Hang on". He says "Don't hang up on me again, okay?" And she does. Priceless.
Vinny gets pink eye. Ronnie is on roids. Mike is "the situation" - that is his nickname. He is ugly, but also on roids. Sammi doesn't like puke breath. Neither do I. Angelina is the Kim Kardashian of the Jersey Shore. There are limited hotties on the Jersey Shore. And, Jwoowwwwwooww (real name: Jennifer) has the best highlights and saw Pauly D's pierced PENIS!!! She thinks that means she cheated on her bf - must be a great piercing.
Tune in next week, seriously.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
FTLORJ - Episode DANCE
This episode of For the Love of Ray J is about a dance competition. Ray J, I think that seeking out women who are good dancers might be the wrong way to narrow the competition, just a thought, boo. The women are divided into teams and I am not sure who is on what team because the women are still in negligable and in hard to remember numbers.
Luscious (left) and J Sinatra (right) smashing each other
Team 1: Hot Damn Crew. Extra is on this team she prayed beforehand so I am pretty sure with the luck of Speidi and Jesus, they are in like flin. This team is made up of strippers so they are all good dancers but maybe less than "refined", perhaps?
Team 2: Sting Rays - awful name, awful dancing, pathetically slow and uncoordinated. The crowd actually booed them.
Team 3: Talk of the Town - good and slightly risque for an MTV family show. Dare I say FTLORJ is a family show?
Talk of the Town wins and Luscious is on that team. Luscious, as discovered in this episode, smashed a homie. WTF is smashed a homie? First, "smashed" as a word for all hooking up activities? Not appropriate or factually accurate. Second, where do you find these homies? The man Luscious smashed is a DJ. Good taste, sweetie. Ray says to her: 'Do you know, J Sinatra? Like know?' Do you mean biblically, Ray?
Luscious (left) and J Sinatra (right) smashing each other
I appreciate that Ray doesn't want to be Eskimo brothers with J Sinatra, but thinking of people he smashed (am I using that correctly?) I think Luscious has much more to worry about.
Examples of people Ray has "smashed":
Good -
Less than great? + a dash of crazy (Danger from last season) -
"I want to dance with somebody" herself - and maybe was doing some crack? -
The Ruins - Episode #?
Very little happens on the most recent episode of The Ruins. The highlight is that Brad and Darrell both get sent home. Here is a dramatic reinactment of their fight:
Brad (very drunk and stumbling): What, what, let's fight!
Darrell (not at all drunk or stumbling and in fact, sitting): No, sir. I would not like to fight you.
Brad (drunker?): You're a bitch! + a push (gasp!)
Darrell: I'm not a bitch + punch + punch + punch
How this escalated so quickly, I don't know. Kiss your 30K goodbye, Darrell.
It is a to be continued episode which is my least favorite, but we do know that Casey is still there next week and that means the Challengers are going to lose.
Brad (very drunk and stumbling): What, what, let's fight!
Darrell (not at all drunk or stumbling and in fact, sitting): No, sir. I would not like to fight you.
Brad (drunker?): You're a bitch! + a push (gasp!)
Darrell: I'm not a bitch + punch + punch + punch
How this escalated so quickly, I don't know. Kiss your 30K goodbye, Darrell.
It is a to be continued episode which is my least favorite, but we do know that Casey is still there next week and that means the Challengers are going to lose.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
For the Love of Ray J 2
"This is so pretty, the glasses, the salads, the candles"
FTLORJ is back. Unfortunately, Ray did not find love with Cocktail. So VH1 has kindly offered him another chance to find love. Full Disclosure: I wish I had tried out for this show.
The show opens with a ride to the house and Alison paints a target on her chest immediately by saying she dated Tyson Beckford. Girl, haven't you seen these shows? You know what happened to the Russian girl last season.
Once at the house, the girls get beds, get drunk, and talk shit. Ray arrived at the house with some champagne and Leila is officially stupid, "I see Ray and uh huh oh yayaya" Alison expected him to be taller.
Next up: Nicknames!
Luscious (maybe, appropriate? but celibate)
Gifts (large boobs or STDs?)
Exotica (from Cape Verde and a stripper)
Platinum (because she is white)
Diego (because she is a mexican man)
Popper (booorrrrinnnngg)
Just right (money to get to the finals)
Heartbreaker (her vagina is a vice)
Extra (extraghetto, extra horrible)
Flossy (?)
Lava (pompeii, anyone?)
Caliente (this girl does not understand english)
Trouble (humps the table?)
Paradeez (boobs again)
Tipsy (drunk bitch; "great, he thinks I am drunk, well I am")
Adorable (money to win)
Jaguar (no words)
Mz Berry (she does look like her but is wearing a flight suit)
Fetticcini (serious death sentence when he names you after a filling and mostly tasteless starch)
Ray had some time with Caliente, a hot woman who is ESL and works for Playboy (probably in the accounting department, right?) and with the border patrol? Does she find that slightly demanding doing both?
Just Right might also be a stripper, but that is really par for the course with these shows. And I don't have any problem with strippers. Diego is booorrrring and a mexican man and wants to know the top 5 R&B artists? Do people actually think about that? The artists are make or break for her? Do people like that actually exist? Funniest part, is that he is completely condescending to her. NICE.
End of the show: Fetticcini goes home. Duh. Next week, more stuff.
FTLORJ is back. Unfortunately, Ray did not find love with Cocktail. So VH1 has kindly offered him another chance to find love. Full Disclosure: I wish I had tried out for this show.
The show opens with a ride to the house and Alison paints a target on her chest immediately by saying she dated Tyson Beckford. Girl, haven't you seen these shows? You know what happened to the Russian girl last season.
Once at the house, the girls get beds, get drunk, and talk shit. Ray arrived at the house with some champagne and Leila is officially stupid, "I see Ray and uh huh oh yayaya" Alison expected him to be taller.
Next up: Nicknames!
Luscious (maybe, appropriate? but celibate)
Gifts (large boobs or STDs?)
Exotica (from Cape Verde and a stripper)
Platinum (because she is white)
Diego (because she is a mexican man)
Popper (booorrrrinnnngg)
Just right (money to get to the finals)
Heartbreaker (her vagina is a vice)
Extra (extraghetto, extra horrible)
Flossy (?)
Lava (pompeii, anyone?)
Caliente (this girl does not understand english)
Trouble (humps the table?)
Paradeez (boobs again)
Tipsy (drunk bitch; "great, he thinks I am drunk, well I am")
Adorable (money to win)
Jaguar (no words)
Mz Berry (she does look like her but is wearing a flight suit)
Fetticcini (serious death sentence when he names you after a filling and mostly tasteless starch)
Ray had some time with Caliente, a hot woman who is ESL and works for Playboy (probably in the accounting department, right?) and with the border patrol? Does she find that slightly demanding doing both?
Just Right might also be a stripper, but that is really par for the course with these shows. And I don't have any problem with strippers. Diego is booorrrring and a mexican man and wants to know the top 5 R&B artists? Do people actually think about that? The artists are make or break for her? Do people like that actually exist? Funniest part, is that he is completely condescending to her. NICE.
End of the show: Fetticcini goes home. Duh. Next week, more stuff.
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