Paranormal Challenge: The Premiere

I haven't posted in a while. However, the premiere of the Travel Channel's show "Paranormal Challenge" has brought me out of hibernation.

Paranormal Challenge is hosted by Zak "Tapout" Bagans, a lovable goof who likes the presence of ghosts (sometimes a little too much: see the episode where he mounts a mannequin and gets a reach around). Zak usually is the primary ghost "hunter" on Ghost Adventures (another Travel Channel show, check your local listings!). Zak is followed by his friends who are filming him, is locked in haunted locations and tries to incite the ghosts. During one episode, he attempted to provoke Hitler.

Fast Forward to Friday June 17, 2011 - the start of Paranormal Challenge. Paranormal Challenge made my reality juices flow. First, I thought the show would be like MTV's Fear. Second, I LOVE Tapout and his motha fuckin' JNCO jeans. Paranormal Challenge begins by explaining it is nothing like Fear. Ruh Roe. This can't be good. Paranormal Challenge is, in fact, actually a challenge between two "actual" ghost hunting teams. Because I didn't bother to remember the names of the teams, I'll just refer to them at Girls and Boys. Yes, this show included a battle of the sexes. OH NO! Who will win? (spoiler: the boys do - gurlz drool)

The two teams are asked to find the most credible evidence (audio and visual) of a haunting at a haunted haunting place. I can't be bothered to remember where they were, probably someplace in Virginia with ghosts. The Boys start mad shit talking saying that the girls' looks won't get them far in the dark. OOHHH, I've never heard shit talk like that before. You mean that the girls might only be good for their bodies? Watch out, tv viewers, we've got a hustler on our hands.

The teams explore the halls of the haunted haunting location and try to find two specific ghosts. One is named Roy and the other is Raymond. I think Raymond "allegedly" molested kids and then was murdered. That shit is gonna be haunted. Roy's back story was forgotten by me immediately, but I bet he isn't haunting the place because his life was roses, know what I mean?

Since most of the episode was snoozeworthy, here are the highlights:

1) Tapout has hired a prestigious group of people to serve as judges. They think gurlz drool too.

2) The Girls have almost no screen time - I don't even remember what they look like.

3) The Boyz manage to provoke Raymond by shouting at him to push one of the "investigators". Raymond shockingly complies. I was SHOCKED. Holy fuck balls, this place is haunted.

4) The judges appeared judgy and stoic. Do any of these guys actually hunt ghosts?

5) There were no guns involved in this episode. There were no historic Civil War reenactments.

My Verdict: The Haunted place is likely haunted by the ghosts of people who died of boredom watching this show. I will tune in next week, but just to see Tapout's gravity defying hair.

The View July 26, 2010

The View is almost never a good show. That doesn't mean I don't watch it. The View is like twizzlers. They always taste like wax and you regret putting them in your mouth, but that doesn't mean you don't get excited to eat them when your mom puts them in a care package for you.

Today, the "hosts" talked about a variety of topics including racism and plastic surgery. But, the only thing I want to comment about is how "get off my lawn" Whoopi is. Whoopi doesn't have a twitter, a myspace or a facebook. She thinks that the technology to talk to people all the time is "scary". Whoopi says to her fans who might try to contact her via the web that "I don't have a twitter, a facebook, a myspace or a 'your' space". That's right, Whoopi, these things are so strange and unusual, I bet there's something called a yourspace.

It's like when someone is trying to convince you they aren't a racist so they say, "I don't have a problem with black, white, brown, yellow or orange people".

Teen Mom: Season 2 and Episode 1

Teen Mom starts with a recap of last season. Last year, we saw Amber, Maci, and Farrah navigate motherhood. And we saw Catelynn and Tyler deal with their feelings about adoption. Catelynn and Tyler also got engaged.

This season opens with Farrah discussing some legal issues. Her mom attacked her and when the police arrived, Debra was brandishing knives. The prosecutor explains that the laser from the police's gun was on her mom when she finally was apprehended. Clearly, her mother's behavior was out of line. Seems though that the versions of the story are different depending on who you ask. I am inclined to believe the person that wasn't brandishing knives at the police. The court has told Farrah that SoPHEEUH can't be around Debra until the legal issues are resolved. If she is, then the Department of Family Services can remove her from the home. Hmm, seems like a good reason not to be around your abusive mom.

Farrah and her mom meet about how to resolve this and they come to the obvious conclusion: Poach cheetahs for that horrendous coat Debra is wearing. The real conclusion: Farrah will move into the guest house across the street. I don't have a problem with them having a guest house. It has always been clear that Farrah's family is wealthy. But, why is their guest house across the street? Most of the time, those sort of living quarters are smaller homes behind the house. So this isn't a guest house: They own literally two properties. Hello, that isn't actually a guest house then - even though you might be using it solely for guests.

As for Catelynn, she is having a similarly difficult beginning to the season. She and Tyler gave up their baby for adoption and are having some lingering feelings of loss. This is causing Tyler to question his relationship with Catelynn. At one point, she tries to hug him when he is thinking about their daughter and he calls her a leech because she is always stuck to him. Then they have the single most awkward pillow fight I have ever seen on television. I'll be honest, I haven't seen too many pillow fights, but none can be worse than this one. In the very first scene with Catelynn, Tyler tells her he no longer wants to be engaged. Boy is that foreshadowing for the rest of the epsiode.

Tyler and his mom have a heart to heart and she has made him a cake. And jeez he deserves it, living with his girlfriend who loves him, having no parenting responsibilites - give that man a cake! Instead of calling off the engagement with Catelynn or having a discussion with her about boundaries, he gets his mom to kick her out of the house. While Catelynn is trying to pack so that she can move back in with her meth addicted mom and step dad (also Tyler's dad - what a fucked up family reunion), Tyler tries to make her feel better by saying that at least they will have their own lives and time. Catelynn isn't buying it, she knows very well her life will suck living with her mom.

Maci is doing a great job being a mom. She has no help from BINTlee's dad, but she is the most resourceful girl on the show. This girl means business. Ryan doesn't pay child support or do anything to care for Bentley on a regular basis. He sees the kid every other weekend. Maci emails or texts Ryan and asks to meet with him to talk about finances. Instead of writing her back anything productive, he says "Take me to court if you want child support".

Your wish, Ryan? Her command. Maci shows up at court so Ryan can get a summons to appear. That night Ryan is at an uspscale restaurant and we see him at the gym. I don't see Maci with extraneous expenditures.

Finally we are getting up to date with Amber Gary. The two of them are back together and Amber still has her GED on hold. That just makes me feel sick to my stomach - wait, I am getting that confused with Amber's morning sickness. Turns out, she thinks she is pregnant again. She tells her cousin who is less than helpful because she immediately tells Amber that this means her life is over and that she'll never get her GED now. The signs that indicate to Amber that she is pregnant are her spotty period and the fact that she and Gary had an unabashed night of passion. I don't know who could get passionate about Gary - seriously, he sucks.

Amber makes an appointment with her doctor to get an "accurate" test done of the status of her womb. Occupied or not occupied? Gary states the obvious: "I think this would be very bad timing." - No shit. They go to a doctor's office in a strip mall and the doctor tells her to give him some urine and he'll test it. They aren't even doing a blood test? This is not any more accurate than an at home test. You could have saved a lot of money and paid $12.99 at the local Bi-Lo. Turns out she isn't pregnant and the doctor was drawing out his conclusion a little longer than needed.

And we wait until next week: Maci gets paid, Gary cheats on Amber, Farrah moves out, and Catelynn continues to be walked on by Tyler.

The Real Housewives of NJ

The Real Housewives of NJ is a show without any boundaries. The Housewives of New Jersey are the kind of women I have really never met before, but have always wanted to be.

There is something that is a deep within Teresa's eyes that reminds me of a simpler time where people took down their enemies one brutal beating at a time. Teresa knows that brutality would not make her classy, so instead she fights (fights including table flipping, cussing, cursing, and chasing). The chase scene in last night's episode was everything I wanted and more. Danielle screaming and crying down the hallway, her shoes breaking, the woman who looks like a hyena calling the whole debacle "Fucking Bullshit" or "F********* B***S***" (yes, I can figure out what that means, Bravo).

First, why did the chase happen? Teresa explains that she doesn't like being "held back". Well, clearly, Teresa, that is true. As soon as Kim G told her to calm down, Teresa reacted like a cat being given cat nip for the first time. She exploded, chasing her cat toy down the hall. Danielle was behaving a little strangely for a person who had a bodyguard with her. Danielle, you brought the body guard with to protect you. Why are you running, when you could... you know... let him do his job?

Finally, there is Ashley. Ashley reminds me why psychologists say that young adults' brains haven't developed yet. If a zombie found Ashley, it would be disappointed to find no sustenance. First, I cannot image pulling Danielle's hair. Sure, I could image pulling some people's hair, but Danielle's? No. Danielle is maybe nuts, maybe a sociopath, maybe just a horrible mother - but above all else she is willing to do whatever she can to look like a victim. It is important to reserve your hair pulls for people who will either fight back or people who have no hair (I'm looking at you, Kim from Atlanta). Pulling the hair on a grown woman who is cowering in the bushes is just sad and like I said, a waste of a hair pull. That couldn't have been fulfilling for her.

Finally, don't attack someone who would love an opportunity to put you in jail. Period.

The end of the episode was just boring and boring and boring. And proved to me again that the drama on the New Jersey Housewives might be the most compelling, but is hardly the most interesting. I would take Vickie Gunvalson over this shiz any day.

Until next time, we'll always have reruns.

Home Alone: Deux

Home Alone is one of the best movie franchises made. I would say it is the best, but I have seen both Step It Up and Step It Up 2 - I think those movies and their brilliance speak for themselves. Dare I call them films?

Home Alone is great because it fulfills everyone's childhood family - being abandoned, getting to eat marshmallows with chocolate syrup on the couch, outwitting criminals, hanging out with people experiencing homeless new (part deux)... etc. The list could literally go on and on. Really and truly the best part of H.A. is the tricks and boy are they tricky (!!!)

In H.A. 2, Kevin (the caulkin kid) sets up a series of zany traps to get the bad guys (names unknown). He sets the traps up at his uncle's house - but really that part is confusing to me. It is essentially a construction site which he has access to. The criminals should hae been dead ten fold.

Curly Haired Bad Guy and Short Bad Guy see Kevin on the roof of the construction site. Kevin taunts them. They threaten to murder him. He throws a brick no less than 4 stories and it hits CHBG square in the face, knocking him to the ground. SBG is unfazed and searches for a way inside. He finds a door, this door is locked - when he opens the door, a ski bag filled with wrenches and pliers and other tools fall directly on his head. Meanwhile, CHBG recovers and gets into the house and falls directly into a hole, leading to the basement. SBG gets up and turns on a light which ignites his cap on fire. He notices he is on fire, tries to put himself out in the sink but the water is off and so he dunks his head in the toilet which was cleverly filled with kerosene. An explosion happens.

CHBG is in the basement lamenting in pain and he gets up, slips on goop and slides into a paint shelf. The shelf falls, dropping nearly hundred of paintcans on him and covering him with paint. Luckily, that doesn't hurt enough so he gets up, again unfazed and goes to wash his face off with some water from the sink. As we learned from SBG, the water has been turned off and Kevin attaches jumper cables to the sink's faucets. This causes CHBG to be electrocuted to the point that the audience actually sees his skeleton.

Although this is severe, he has not been killed yet. Then, he is able to get out of the basement and meets up with SBG and they are hit with a 20-50 lb barbell. This flings them back into the basement - thwarted again. Finally, after some more hijinks, they make it to the roof, where they see that Kevin has scaled down a rope onto the construction site below. Instead of going back out of the house -which feasibly could have been rigged with dy-no-mite, they decide to go down the rope as well. Kevin has cleverly soaked the rope in kerosene (where does he have access to these hazardous materials?) and lights it on fire. SBG and CHBG fall 4-5 stories to what you think is their demise.

No no, not that - at all. Kevin runs away, makes an anonymous phone call to the police, falls on some ice and in that time, the bad guys catch up with him.

Through another series of hilarious events, the bad guys get covered in birdsead, attacked by pigeons, attacked with fireworks and are arrest.

Problem solved and cinematic genius.

Jersey Shore: The train wreck continues

The next episode of the Jersey Shore has some high points. These jokes just write themselves.

Sammi is no longer with The Situation (Mike), but is now macking with Ronnie. Ronnie is still on the roids, but in this episode we discover he has a sensitive side. Oooh, he likes to cuddle. Jwwwwwoowowww's boyfriend is coming to visit. Remember Jwwwoowww cheated on her bf by seeing Pauly D's pierced penis. The boyfriend brought flowers and also looks like a d-bag. Can't judge a book by its cover though. I bet he's a real winner. By the end of the visit, they donezors though. Off again like Ronnie's tee.

Angelina's boyfriend is also coming to visit. There is a small problem though, her boyfriend is married. In Angelina's words "He doesn't even like hang out with his wife anymore". Well, then, that means he's not married, I hear that it is time clocked together that really determines a marriage.

Here is just an interaction between Snooki (or Snickers, Snooti, Snotty) and Pierced Penis *dramatic reinactment*
Snooki opens jar of pickles in the kitchen (Vlasic, probs)
Pauly D stares crazy like
Pauly D: What are you doing?
Snooki: Isn't there a food you like eat everyday?
PD: Yeah.
S: What?
PD: I don't know.
Snooki sucks on the pickle. Apparently she likes to get the "juice" out first. Her cap says "Pornstar in Training".
S: Stop staring at me, you pervert. Suck suck suck munch munch munch

Is this a scripted show? Because whoever wrote it is a genius.

Jersey Shore Episode 1 and 2

MTV is really on to something with their new programming. The Jersey Shore is, dare I say, the best new show on TV. The JS follows 20 somethings (some older than others) during their summer on the Jersey Shore, which is a place I never want to go.

The Jersey Shore has people who are from New Jersey and people who act like they are from New Jersey. These 8 strangers were picked to live in a house and have their lives taped. The only difference between JS and the Real World is the quality of the experience.... quality might not be the correct word. The JS is to the Real World like lunchables pizza is to real pizza. The ingrediants are all the same and they aren't exactly the same thing, but have their own individual merit.

There are too many good moments from these first two episodes to go over all of it. So, here are the highlights. Snooki (aka Snickers) gets drunk, touches all the guy's penises, gets in her thong in the jacuzzi, passes out, wants to go home, is late for work... etc. The best part is the phone. Snooki wakes up after drinking and the phone is ringing. They have a duck phone so it makes a quacking noise. She doesn't understand how the phone works. Jwwooowww's boyfriend calls and asks for her. She says "Hang on". He says "Don't hang up on me again, okay?" And she does. Priceless.

Vinny gets pink eye. Ronnie is on roids. Mike is "the situation" - that is his nickname. He is ugly, but also on roids. Sammi doesn't like puke breath. Neither do I. Angelina is the Kim Kardashian of the Jersey Shore. There are limited hotties on the Jersey Shore. And, Jwoowwwwwooww (real name: Jennifer) has the best highlights and saw Pauly D's pierced PENIS!!! She thinks that means she cheated on her bf - must be a great piercing.

Tune in next week, seriously.